Grace Abounds

Dear Friends -

I was uncertain the other day.  I was uncertain about writing something so personal.  Uncertain about letting such an intimate part of myself go out to everyone who wants to read about it.  Uncertain about how people would respond or even if people would respond.  I wrote about my miscarriage and the incredible sense of loss that I felt for 2 reasons.  1) I haven't recovered, never might, from losing my child.  But, I thought that writing about it might help me move forward in some ways that I haven't.  And 2) I really do think that miscarriage is not something people talk about and that it should be talked about.  It shouldn't be something that people hide or hide from, it shouldn't be something people feel ashamed of it, it shouldn't be something pushed aside.

I heard from some friends publicly in the comments section, and a few other sent me emails.  It was wonderful to receive the support that I did from the people that I did.  I just hope that what I wrote helped others in some way or will help others in the future to know that they're not alone.  I had a reminder of something that a friend told me when we were discussing miscarriage and my current pregnancy and how, while I love this person inside me, I still miss and grieve and want to know the child I won't ever see.


She told me "Carin, you'll always be the mother of 3.  I will always think of you as the mother of 3.  And when you get to heaven, you will get to meet that little baby of yours and know all the answers to your questions".  Tears.  Of course, more tears.


But, what I really want is to let you know about the greatest blessing from writing this blog, writing about my loss, that I have received following the post.  I heard from a friend who has suffered unmentionable loss, three times, in his and his families lives.  He let me know that I wasn't alone in what I had gone through.  Now I know that while I can't come close to imagining the losses that he has personally experienced he has linked my loss to his.  This is one of the most touching and generous gifts that anyone has given me.  To let me know that they feel my loss is nothing short of equal to loss that they have been through, that my emotions are not supposed to be limited.  It was an amazing email and brought me to tears.

What makes this story even more amazing is news that he shared about how things are good for him and his family.  How life has changed, morphed, evolved, and while there is still so much pain there is love and happiness and that his blessings abound.  Thank you, friend.  Your email has made this all worth while.


Love abounds, joy abounds, grace abounds.


Thank you so much, my friend, for touching my life in such an amazing way.  I celebrate your joy with you as I celebrate the joy I have inside me.  It is such a wonderful thing to share.

List

Hi, Friend-lies!

The stress is continuing today at home, work, and various places in between. I typically let myself have one good "spin" day where I whirl in 100 different directions at once and then settle and move on, but I already have a feeling that this week is different.

But this blog is about my life and my family which hopefully is more often than not light and airy and full of fun and laughter. So, in an attempt to make myself settle, breathe and remember to not be spinny I am going to think of some of my favorite things.

Books. Anything and everything. I love the feel, the smell, the weight. None of that electronic crap for me. (sorry if you like the electronic crap, I get it. I really do).

Piano keys. Smooth and cool but strong and powerful.

Coffee. No need to say more.

Puppies. And kittens and baby bunnies and ponies and chicks. Anything small and furry and snuggle-y will do.

Classical music. Traditional Irish music (which of course contains U2). Really, just music.

Firemen. I mean, really, who doesn't love and thank God for firemen. And firewomen.

Smurfs. Little 3 apples high worth of blue goodness. Thank you 1980s.

oohhh.... the 1980s.

Manatees. Who doesn't love big gray floating clouds of squishy sea monster?

Disney. Especially "The Lion King".

Art History. Particularly the Dutch Masters and the Italian Renaissance.

Okay, here we go. This is going to make me feel a lot better.




These were done by Johannes Vermeer. Love him. Love that there are only something like 13 works by him. Love the color, the reality, the simplicity but complexity, the honesty. Most of all I love the LIGHT. Truly amazing.

And this one. This one is in the National Gallery of Art. If you can go see it, go see it. There is nothing in this world like the colors that come out of this painting. It is one of the most amazing things I have ever seen and it makes me want to go to Italy even more than ever before. After hundreds of years that blue just makes me want to cry. Love it. Thank you Giorgione.

Thursday Thankfulness

"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." ~ Albert Einstein

Yesterday I was looking for my miracles. Here's what I found:

- Chinese Food.
- Having a talented massage therapist as a friend that's willing to check something out for someone just cause you ask.
- Extra coffee in the morning with a few extra minutes to enjoy it.
- Wednesday means that I have the next 4 days with my daughter.
- Light traffic on the way home from work.
- Catching up on paperwork at the office so there won't be as much come Monday.
- Reruns of Grey's Anatomy on Lifetime.
- Comments on the blog... and comments on Facebook (I did mention that was my new obsession).
- Hanging my gorgeous "we can do hard things" sign in just the right spot.
- Sitting down for 10 minutes with uninterrupted silence.
- In general, this blog, because I have been blessed with a minimum of 3 new friends.

I hope you found your miracles yesterday. I hope you find many more today.

Love to you all,

C-

Miracles

Miracles

Why, who makes much of a miracle?
As to me I know of nothing else but miracles,
Whether I walk the streets of Manhattan,
Or dart my sight over the roofs of houses toward the sky,
Or wade with naked feet along the beach just in the edge of the water,
Or stand under trees in the woods,
Or talk by day with any one I love, or sleep in the bed at night
with any one I love,
Or sit at table at dinner with the rest,
Or look at strangers opposite me riding in the car,
Or watch honey-bees busy around the hive of a summer forenoon,
Or animals feeding in the fields,
Or birds, or the wonderfulness of insects in the air,
Or the wonderfulness of the sundown, or of stars shining so quiet
and bright,
Or the exquisite delicate thin curve of the new moon in spring;
These with the rest, one and all, are to me miracles,
The whole referring, yet each distinct and in its place.

To me every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the earth is spread with the same,
Every foot of the interior swarms with the same.
To me the sea is a continual miracle,
The fishes that swim--the rocks--the motion of the waves--the
ships with men in them,
What stranger miracles are there?

- Walt Whitman


Today I am going to try and find my miracles.
Love to you all,

C-

Signs of Inspiration

I have a new love. Wooden signs. I know, I know. Just what my house needs: More stuff. But, see, these are for the WALLS. They don't accumulate on top of those stacks of papers and books or toys that are scattered around my house. They go up on the wall as decoration. A loophole in the "don't add to the clutter" rule that I try and follow. Okay, I don't really try and follow that. Not even close. I buy far too much stuff for Lexy and if I want a new book I tend to figure out a way to get it. But, these signs are SO much fun and are so cute on the wall. Not to mention that they can be inspirational and centering.

This is my first one.



It was supposed to be for Lexy's room, but when it came and I arranged it with the pictures that I had ordered it didn't work. Now it's in the kitchen. It's my daily reminder that I need to smile and live my life like I'm walking on the beach looking for shells. The way I want to live my life. Walking through the sand on the beach with Josh, holding Lexy's hand, looking for God's perfect little reminders that my footprints are only temporary and His creations no matter how small are more beautiful than anything I can imagine. That and it's whimsical. I'm diggin' the whimsical.

This is the second sign.



This is my new one. This is a Monkee thing (again, check out momastery, it's awesome!)... something that can remind me at 5:00 in the morning when I struggle to wake up and get ready for work that I can do it. I can make it and I can make it beautiful all at the same time. There is more than one thing that I love about this one. First, $5.00 of the sale goes to an orphanage in Uganda. How cool is that. Second, it's a quote from my friend Glennon and she is just an inspiration to me everyday. It also reminds me of some other dear friends and some new ones, and it's nice to be surrounded by things that remind me of my friends. Third, it was handmade by my new friend Kristi. I cannot believe that someone can make something so beautiful! I'm so happy to think that when I see it every morning that it will remind me of a new friend. Never enough new friends, I say. It's gorgeous and I'm trying to decide on the perfect place to hang it. I think I have it, but I haven't quiet settled yet.

The third sign I haven't bought yet. I'm saving up for it, but I full intend to order it and have it on my wall in the next month. If Kristi can make it that fast once I've ordered it. I told you she was amazing, right? This one is all about the beach. It's all the words that remind me of the ocean, the shore, the one place in the world that I have always felt that I am a whole person. She incorporates the centering nature of the ocean (sunset, lighthouse, ocean breezes) with the light and laughter and memories of my childhood (castles in the sand). It's like she created it specifically for me. It's beautiful. Did I mention that? Did I mention that I can't wait to order it and get it in my house so that I can look at it and put myself there and center myself and remember to breathe? So, I hope that Kristi doesn't mind, but if you want to check out her amazing art hit her website... although don't backlog her with so many orders that once I get the funds in order for my beach sign I can get it fast fast fast... but, you should really check her stuff out. It's amazing.

And then. I have to figure this one out, but I have a quote that I have to get up somewhere in my house. It's from the bulletin at my church today and it's an amazing reminder to do what we can, do anything that we need to, and that those things are the things that are good and right for us. So, I leave you with this for today, my beauiful friends.

"Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be a stonger person. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers. Pray for powers equal to your tasks." ~Philip Brooks

Love to you all,

C-

The Help

Dear Friends,

Night before last I stayed up far too late reading. Finishing the current book on my nightstand. Okay, so I finished one of the books on my nightstand. I currently have The Help, by Kathryn Stockett, March, by Geraldine Brooks, and my study bible. If you come downstairs there are 2 more sitting on my end table and about 14 stacks of unread novels over in the corner. They drive Josh crazy. But, the one that has captured me and held my attention for the last 4-5 days is The Help. I took it up on the recommendation of a few friends who all raved about it. Also, Momastery is doing a book club on it, which you should all join in on... but that's not for a few weeks and I read far too fast. So, if you're going to participate in that one and want to skip my ramblings, please do. No hard feelings.

For those of you who don't know, The Help is a book set in 1962-64 in the deep south of Mississippi. It covers race relations between white female employers and the African-American "help"/maids that they employed. I love me a good story. I will read just about anything and most anything can hold my attention, but not too many will keep me up late on a work night knowing that I'll be exhausted the next morning. I did not want to put this book down. Originally it was for the story. The characters spoke from the pages to me and it was like I was sitting on the sofa next to them hearing their stories and the conversations. I could almost imagine myself with the southern belle dresses and hair, I could almost smell the fried chicken, feel the humidity in the air. This book is alive within the pages.

But, for me, the essence of this book didn't come until the end. The truth that was spoken in just a few lines brought me to tears, and honestly, while I cry at Hallmark commercials, ballet, and just about any Drew Barrymore romance, books don't often move me the way this one did. I sat in my bed and read and reread these few lines over and over and got the pages wet with tears. The honesty and beauty. That someone has put into words how I want my life and friendships and writing to be.

"We are just two people. Not that much separates us. Not nearly as much as I'd thought."

Of course, this book is about the inequalities of the south during the Civil Rights movement in the 60s. It's discussing the sameness of those people as well. It's talking about how I want this site, these writings, to be a place where anyone can say anything and feel nothing but support and love. That we're not alone with our thoughts, that we are more similar than we are different. Different races, different religions, different sexes, different sexual orientations, different political ideologies, different hair colors... we are all one. We are human, covered in a beautiful array of skin, a stunning array of color. We are a rainbow, we are connected because of a beautiful prism that shatters us into light and dark and yet we all come from the same sunbeam. Combined we converge back into one white light because in the depth of our souls, inside our hearts, we are the same. That's what I want to offer to my friends. Come and tell me what your story is, because it my be mine. If you would like to share with everyone else, I would love for you to. I would love to offer you the same love that you have offered to me with your comments and emails. Tell me about your daily lives, your struggles and triumphs.

Because at the core, at the depth, at the soul "Not that much separates us." Thank you, Kathryn Stockett for finding the words that my heart has felt for years.

Rainbow Bridge

Dear Friends,

Today I am sad as I type. I have tears in my eyes, in my heart, and just want to hug everyone (and every dog) I see. I heard the news that a dear friend had to have her beloved friend, companion, fur-baby dog to sleep today. She had been battling for a while, but I always hold out hope for a miracle. Her miracle came today when her lovely, funny, strong and beautiful owner helped her to a peace and comfort that she hadn't known for a while. It makes me miss my own beloved fur-baby, even though she's been gone for years. It doesn't get easier, it just gets put aside.

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Love to you, Fiona. God Bless and God Keep.

C-

Wishes and Dreams

He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven by William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.



I lay my dreams at your feet, my friends. Have a beautiful Wednesday.