01 May 2012

Accepting Grace

I have decided that I am working on focus this week.  Focusing on what is the "now".  Not the maybe or the past, not the what would have been.  My focus will be "how things are for the day, what's on the schedule, what I'm doing with Lexy, how the baby is feeling for the moment".  If you read my last post, you'll know that I'm obviously still struggling with focusing on the past (but really, who isn't and who doesn't?).  Although grieving over the loss of a child, born or unborn, is not something with a timetable and definitely not something that you get over.  You just get through.  Through each breath.  Through each minute.  Through each day.  In a sense it's almost like an addict working through the steps.  Take everything moment by moment, day by day.  Easier said than done when working through any type of trauma or stress.  And I've been going through working on the miscarriage, being forced to leave my job, and the adjustment of being a full time full day mommy.

But first, an update on Baby 2.  We had a phone call from our doctor (or one of our doctors) this morning. They always like to call you during breakfast when you're trying to get your kid to eat the fruit and not just the toast and jelly.  It's like they know that you won't have time or the brain power to think of the questions you should already know to ask.  That being said, the little one is doing well.  The ultrasound said she's growing right on pace, smack in the middle of the growth chart.  Who knew average could feel so good?  Unfortunately my blood work remains the same.  There are still antigens floating around and that could be a problem.  Everything is could and maybe.  It's frustrating and makes enjoying the moment a little bit harder.  Remembering to focus on the fact that for the day I feel well, healthy, and this little person likes to push one rib in particular out of alignment, is a little hard when you're constantly carrying around the idea that it could all come to a very rapid end.  It tends to add some stress to your everyday living.  But, having a happy and hyper 4 year old will distract you from that without too much trouble.

The adjustment to the reality of SAHMommihood is another beast in and of itself.  The first week was hard because it was not expected to be my first week.  I wasn't expecting my two week notice at my office to be a "Thank you, don't let the door hit you on the way out".  I was thrown back home without a goodbye from my direct boss and spent the next few days trying to process.  There were appointments and things scheduled for that week already and it became a matter of arranging the new schedule to accommodate the things on the old schedule.  The second week was similar.  Again, appointments, anniversaries, extra ultrasounds... it wasn't what I would consider to be an average week.

And now we're moving into week three and to be honest, I've had quite a few moments where I can't remember what day of the week we're on, and this is just week 3.  I think I'm beginning to understand and feel the transition, which is a good thing.  But, I'm also missing the adult interaction that I was so used to and for that reason have been relying on my parents heavily for companionship.  I'm looking into Mommy groups online, checking into things to do at the local library... anything I can think of to organize my days.  Lexy is still adjusting to the sudden change in her routine as well, and to be honest, she misses going to my parent's home in the mornings and playing with all the different toys and books and things that she has there.  My parent's have been great and extremely flexible about the whole situation, but it is weird to not have a schedule and to know which days are for which tasks.  I've actually been considering getting a monthly calendar and planning it down to Monday is wash laundry day.  Tuesday is music class and vacuuming day.  Wednesday is go to the park day.  Something so that there is a set plan.  It feels like we're floating through right now.

Saturday I'm off for a week at the beach with just me, my kid, and my mother.  Neither husband wishes to attend, so it's a ladies only trip.  I'm looking forward to a week of doing nothing.  And a week of many many many visits to the local ice cream shop.  Maybe it will allow me to focus and breathe and accept the transition into a SAHM.  After all, it's the only thing I've ever known I wanted to do or would be doing with my life.  So, I should be able to accept it and move into it with acceptance and GRACE right?

Of course, GRACE is hard for someone who routinely walks into doors.

Tomorrow.  Lessons on GRACE from the person who seems to think washing ball point pens is good for clothes, walls are to bang into on the way out of a room, and shoes are something to trip over and not wear on your feet.


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