04 May 2012
Dear Friends -
I was uncertain the other day. I was uncertain about writing something so personal. Uncertain about letting such an intimate part of myself go out to everyone who wants to read about it. Uncertain about how people would respond or even if people would respond. I wrote about my miscarriage and the incredible sense of loss that I felt for 2 reasons. 1) I haven't recovered, never might, from losing my child. But, I thought that writing about it might help me move forward in some ways that I haven't. And 2) I really do think that miscarriage is not something people talk about and that it should be talked about. It shouldn't be something that people hide or hide from, it shouldn't be something people feel ashamed of it, it shouldn't be something pushed aside.
I heard from some friends publicly in the comments section, and a few other sent me emails. It was wonderful to receive the support that I did from the people that I did. I just hope that what I wrote helped others in some way or will help others in the future to know that they're not alone. I had a reminder of something that a friend told me when we were discussing miscarriage and my current pregnancy and how, while I love this person inside me, I still miss and grieve and want to know the child I won't ever see.
She told me "Carin, you'll always be the mother of 3. I will always think of you as the mother of 3. And when you get to heaven, you will get to meet that little baby of yours and know all the answers to your questions". Tears. Of course, more tears.
But, what I really want is to let you know about the greatest blessing from writing this blog, writing about my loss, that I have received following the post. I heard from a friend who has suffered unmentionable loss, three times, in his and his families lives. He let me know that I wasn't alone in what I had gone through. Now I know that while I can't come close to imagining the losses that he has personally experienced he has linked my loss to his. This is one of the most touching and generous gifts that anyone has given me. To let me know that they feel my loss is nothing short of equal to loss that they have been through, that my emotions are not supposed to be limited. It was an amazing email and brought me to tears.
What makes this story even more amazing is news that he shared about how things are good for him and his family. How life has changed, morphed, evolved, and while there is still so much pain there is love and happiness and that his blessings abound. Thank you, friend. Your email has made this all worth while.
Love abounds, joy abounds, grace abounds.
Thank you so much, my friend, for touching my life in such an amazing way. I celebrate your joy with you as I celebrate the joy I have inside me. It is such a wonderful thing to share.