12 April 2010
Help Me, Please Help Me.
I am not a liar. For those of you who have known me forever, you know that this is true. I also don't curse. If you've known me forever you know that this one is true too. For those of you who don't know me very well or are a visiting Monkee (I love you Monkees), it's important for you to know that I am one of the most brutally honest people you will ever meet and if I think something, a lot of the time it tends to come tumbling out of my mouth. This is both a blessing and a curse. It can be refreshing to have someone tell you something that smacks you in the face but is something you need to hear. At least, that's what I tell myself when I say something stupid that I know I'm going to regret later.
I told myself that I wouldn't exclude any parts of my life from this blog, that I would be open and honest and that I would let my friends know what is going on in my life and that I would pray for responses and comments that will help me through the tough times, make me laugh at myself, and help me chronicle the way I'm learning to be a mother and a parent to Lexy. So. Deep breath. That's what this blog is about, right? Learning to breathe. This one is going to hurt.
I have someone in my life I'm supposed to love that I just can't bring myself to. I don't know how.
Growing up we all learn that we should love our families, our friends, our neighbors, as we love ourselves. I try and practice this. Really, I do. I know that there are some people that just don't click, but as I grow older I have come to the conclusion that if you give people time and listen and watch that there is usually some common ground. There is something that can bond you, tie you to another person. You don't have to love everyone but you should at least respect them.
I have one person that just makes me insane. I can't look at anything that she says or does without looking for an ulterior motive or underlying criticism. I know this is wrong. I know I should take everything at face value. And then I get around her, or get an email from her and I just feel like I've taken a punch in the gut. I feel like I'm 7 years old and the boy that picks on me at school just told everyone that I pick my nose. Now, that was hard for me to write, because I don't do noses. Noses gross me out like nothing in the world. I can do vomit, blood, diapers, accidents. Anything else. But I can't do noses, so when I say that this reminds me of that critical moment in elementary school that turned me inside myself and made me small then you know it's a serious thing. It's not without justification. I have watched and learned that this person is a master manipulator. She's done it with me, my family, my parents, and I've watched her do it with other members of her family. And no one says anything or does anything about it. It seems like it's an accepted aspect of her being and everyone has agreed that it's okay. I'm not sure how I can remember to breathe when I'm around her.
This was all brought on by an email that I got a few days ago. To which part of my response actually included a section something along the lines of "if you want something just say what you want". Don't beat around the bush. I have a few pet peeves and one of them is being passive-aggressive. I guess this comes along with always speaking my mind, so it bothers me when people can't just be honest. But, to attempt to be manipulative about it really irks me. I haven't received a response yet, so I'm wondering if my response to her didn't read as it was written. Email is a wonderful way to have miscommunication with someone. I did say it really nicely, I did. I can be very tactful with my brutal honesty. I know it was written nicely because I had to rewrite it about 3 times before it came across gently as opposed to smack. I promise, it was tactful. Really.
I apologize for this rant. What I think I'm really getting at is asking for my friends and my "readers" to offer me strength when it comes to this person. If you have someone in your life that does this to you, I would love to know how you deal with it. Please help me learn to grow and be accepting and try and learn to love this person. Please comment. I need your comments today. Please sign up to be a reader. I love seeing that number go up and it gives me strength and pride. I know it's selfish and I know that it's completely needy. But, I can use the love and the responses. Its nice to have a conversation with someone that doesn't revolve around Elmo, ladybugs, or Twinkle Twinkle.
Love to you all,
p.s. I really am nervous about this one. I don't think it's completely masked who this person is to me and I don't want to be hurtful or rude. I must remember to breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Everything is better when you breathe.