16 March 2010

Holding Hands

Dear Friends,

I have written and rewritten the beginning of this post about 4 times already. It's not that I have nothing to write, but I have so many things bouncing around in my head that it's hard to choose. I have to say that that's kind of disturbing. I feel slightly schizophrenic.

There have been some big revelations in my life the last few weeks. One is that I'm not as good a friend as I thought I was. I missed a major event in the life of a girlfriend, which makes me cringe. This friend (who shall remain nameless because I'm not sure that she'd want to be the subject of a post or not), had her life turned upside down. Her husband walked out leaving her with their one year old to raise alone. I missed all of this. And what makes me feel the worst about it is that because her husband is friends with Josh, she thought that I had chosen her ex over her. I hate that she ever thought that, even for a minute. This event was actually an impetus for this blog. To keep better in touch with my friends and hope that they'll want to keep better in touch with me. Yes, this blog is giving me time to center and breathe, to come back to myself and to be something other than wife and mother... but what I'm really hoping to accomplish is to grow with my friends and have them grow with each other. This friend is one of the strongest women that I know and has risen to the occasion in a graceful and beautiful manner. I resolve to be a better friend, to stay in touch with friends far away, and to update this blog and to try and stick with it.

Revelation #2: Okay, so this isn't really a revelation. I've known this one for a while, but in light of yesterday's events I want to mention it. I am so incredibly blessed to have my girlfriend Jennifer in my life. She is one of the most supportive women that I have ever met. She is always available to listen, talk, vent to, and laugh with. She is strong, intelligent and beautiful. Not to mention, a total rock star. This amazing woman gave birth to her second child yesterday, a healthy and I'm sure, gorgeous baby boy. She amazes me because not only did she call me to let me know she was in labor, she called me after the baby was born.

She said "Carin, the epidural didn't work".
I of course replied, "What do you mean, it didn't work?" epidurals always work, don't they?
"I mean it didn't work. But I only had to push 3 times before the baby was out. And once the baby was out the pain stopped. You didn't have that when Lexy was born. I don't know how you did it."

There she was, in the hospital, just having given birth, no medication and she was telling ME that I'm amazing. She totally has it the other way around. She is the kind of person that is always putting others first and being supportive and loving in the most Christian manner. She is what I aspire to be. I am so proud that she is willing to hold my hand when I need it. Congratulations, Jennifer. Welcome to the world Baby Todd. I can't wait to meet you, I'm sure you'll be as amazing as your mother and your big brother, Adam (and your daddy John, we love him, too).

Revelation #3: Enlightenment comes from the smallest of sources and sometimes the most profound things do too. I was walking with Lexy up our stairs to brush her teeth before bedtime last night. She reached out to take my hand, asking for my help. When I took it and we stepped up I said "There, isn't that better when someone helps?" Okay, typically I'm not a deep and profound person, although sitting down to write lately is making me think in a more profound way (which is a tad scary). But, I have to say that that statement actually made me stop. It is so true. And how many of us actually take the time to ask for help instead of powering through and trying to figure things out on our own or having things be so much harder because we're afraid to ask for someone to hold our hand or ask God to hold our hand or to carry us. Do we feel ashamed because there are things we can't do for ourselves? I have to admit that I hate asking for help, I am the first to think I can handle most anything. I am too proud to admit when I need help, at work or at home. I hope that I'm not too proud to ask God for these things, if I can't bring myself to ask anyone else. I'm attempting to grow in this manner.

I love this poem, and I know everyone has read it. But, it just seems to fit this so perfectly I have to include it.

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints in the sand,
is when I carried you."
Mary Stevenson

I would love to know if anyone else has any thoughts on any of the above. I hope I'm not musing and rambling to myself. I hope you all have a blessed day and have many revelations.

Love to you all,



  1. I love that poem. Congratulations Jennifer on your new baby boy.

    I am praying for your friend who is now a single Mom and I know all too well what she is going through. It will not be easy at first but she absolutely has the strength to do this (we all do). As we Monkee's say "WE CAN DO HARD THINGS"!!

  2. I really like your "enlightenments"-- you could turn that into a blog hop!

    My epi didn't work either... luckily, I'd been warned by a co-worker that was possible, so I wasn't shocked. But I definitely was in pain!

    I wanted to thank you for your book recommendation on my blog. I actually have read "The Historian", but you made me remember that Elizabeth Kostova just published another book that I HAVEN'T yet read!

    Confessions From A Working Mom

  3. Carin, this is a beautiful post. I think you are doing something really special with this blog...it's letting me see other facets of your amazing self that I don't always get to see because we have so little "face time." (Ugh, just thought of Bret Michaels. Get out of my head, Bret. Now!)
    I think being there for your loved ones is just one of the greatest things you can do. You can be wonderful at your job, a creative thinker and doer, crack hilarious jokes, and these are all virtues, but being there to help or just to be is most wonderful of all, I think.
    Also, I had no idea Kostova wrote another book! Must. Get.